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Thanks to 3D Printing, Neil Armstrong, and Donations, You Too Can Own a Part of History

  • Matthew Joaquin

Neli Armstrong Suit

In 2019, it will have been 50 years since Neil Armstrong touched down on the fucking Moon. In 2019, the suit he was wearing will also be 50 years older from its conception, which means it has been slowly deteriorating just like my body from late night fast food visits after poisoning my body with alcoholic libations- but that’s neither here nor there. THE SUIT IS FALLING APART. There’s basically a 100% chance your plebeian existence will never get closer to the moon than where you stand now, save a flight 30,000-40,000 feet in the sky to visit your significant other that’ll end up dumping you because “we’re just in different places.” (I swear I’m not projecting. That didn’t happen once.)

BUT you can get the 3D scan of Armstrong’s glove that he wore in space so you can print it on a 3D printer and then wear the thing when you get dumped. You’ll be sad, but you will also be one glove closer to being able to visit the Moon, a place that you can be sad and sulk alone.

For the minuscule fee of $35.00 US, you can get that glove scan, find a 3D printer and prepare yourself for the worst. You can don the glove that Armstrong was wearing when he switched from autopilot to avoid a shitload of space rocks that would have destroyed their ship and land on the moon, all whilst under the pressure of having sixty seconds of fuel left.  Just pretend that your tears are those rocks. You can get by if he did, and you too can become a worldwide hero and be cheered on by humankind around the world. Or at least keep your dignity, which is pretty much the same thing in this day and age.

At this time, the $500,000 dollar goal the Smithsonian wanted to reach has been blown apart like that one big ball thing from Star Wars. $606,476 has been raised by over 7,800 people. There were a number of pretty cool rewards, like if you donated $2,500 you were able to get an actual Smithsonian flag that went into space. Those are all gone. You missed out. Another one that disappeared quick was “Museum Moonshine”, where you get to go to a party at the terrace of the museum and drink moonshine. That was the for the small donation of $542, and those too are all gone. Astronomy and drinking, you know? Enough moonshine and everyone gets pretty spacey.

Mercury SuitSince their goal was reached in such a short time, the Smithsonian set another “stretch goal” for $700,000 to do the same to Alan Shepard’s Mercury spacesuit. LOOK HOW RAD THAT THING LOOKS. Also, if you don’t know who he is, you’re a f… well… err… he’s the second person and first American to fly into space among other things. No big deal. So if all this interests you and you’re a supporter of American history, space exploration, milestones in humankind, cool shit, you have extra money, etc. etc., you can help save these priceless pieces of the past while you cry into the glove you printed out before you got on the flight back home from getting dumped by your lady or man, probably because she or he is now dating an astronaut that is better than you.