We’re all aware that there are some really stupid laws out there and sometimes they’re in place for our own good, but there are also a ton of ridiculous laws with no purpose. It’s very doubtful that they actually enforce some of these, like busting up bingo games lasting more than five hours (THE HORROR!) or sending someone to jail for flirting, but they’re still on the books. Here are some of our favorite weird laws still in place today:
Make sure it’s wrapped if you’re going to sleep with Satan.
No joke. Bakersfield, California has it’s fair share of weirdness, what with Alien Jerky and a new UFO hotel on the horizon, but this law takes the cake. Did you know that it’s illegal to have sex with Satan without using a condom?!?! I mean, I guess we should be doing all we can to prevent the spawn of Satan flooding town, but it’s funny that Bakersfield would openly admit to being hell on earth. So when you decide to sleep with the Devil I might recommend double-wrapping it.
Harassing Bigfoot is not allowed in Washington so keep your catcalling to yourself
Ah, the elusive Bigfoot. Bigfoot has a no tolerance policy when it comes to your shenanigans. In Washington, they went so far as to ban the slaying of the creatures or any attempts to annoy the hairy beasts. This might be one of the trickiest laws and the most expensive to break. Not only do you first have to FIND a Sasquatch, you then have to be a complete dick and intentionally harm the rare find. This felony will cost you upwards of $100,000 and nearly a decade in jail. Happy squatching.
Looking for a drinking buddy? Better not be a fish
I’ve been to Ohio, and I met some pretty strange folks there, but never someone intent on getting wasted with a fish. That’s because it’s illegal to get a fish drunk there. This law is probably just a skewed rendition of the legislature which prohibits agricultural runoff from Ohio waterways. The runoff often contains alcohol and can give the fish alcohol poisoning or a nasty hangover. But, I’d like to think this came into play because it was common to throw back a few martinis with a goldfish back in the day. That would take the phrase “drinking like a fish” to a whole new level.
Mustaches won’t get you laid in Eureka
The number of dudes sporting facial hair has skyrocketed in recent years with the popularity of mustache, and usually, most chicks dig it. But there is one place where the manicured mustache is an action repellent, unless you’re gay. In the town of Eureka, Nevada, it is illegal for a man with a mustache to kiss a woman. The law makes no mention about women with mustaches or about kissing men so ladies of the bearded variety can kiss away.
Soap thieves are in for a real good scrubbing
Arizona is full of dirty laws and politicians but it’s also home to the cleanest law ever. In Mojave County, if you’re caught stealing a bar of soap you must wash yourself with said soap until the whole bar is used up. That’s a lot of suds. With that much soap on your skin you probably wouldn’t need to steal another bar of soap for an entire year.
Onion breath? Stay the hell out of public spaces
In Indiana it is illegal to go into a movie or theater or ride public transportation within four hours of eating onions or garlic. I actually like this law and I think we should push for this to be enforced in all states.
I thought about running an experiment in which I try and break each of these laws to see if I’m actually punished, but I’m not really thrilled about the idea of approaching guys asking if they’re the Devil.