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An English Politician’s Ongoing Extraterrestrial Affair

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Simon Parks Aliens

Simon Parkes is a councillor on the town council of Whitby in North Yorkshire, England. And he also pays the bills by providing driving lessons. But this seemingly ordinary dude is far from it. 

When he’s not tending to town business, or fearing for his life while teaching kids how to drive, councillor Parks is off visiting his dear old mum. But Parkes says his mother is a nine-foot-tall green extraterrestrial of the mantis variety.

Parkes says he is very human. But, when he was six months old, he was told by this alien that she was his real mother. He views her as his adoptive mother. That makes sense, right? Putting the insectoid alien mother aside for a minute, it’s difficult believing that this guy can really remember something that happened when he was six months old. But, even more surprising is that he also claims to have vivid memories of alien faces when he was still his Earth mother’s womb. Best memory ever, right? 

His alien mother and her kind have treated Parkes well over the years, and have even taken him on sweet trips aboard their spaceship. But Parkes claims that he has also been abducted by nefarious extraterrestrials. But don’t feel too bad for the guy. He also says he regularly gets it on with an alien—a queen, no less. 

He explained on the British TV show This Morning that he had a holographic sexual experience with an extraterrestrial when he was five or six. That means he was technically still a virgin after that, right? Before you think these aliens are creeper chomos, Parkes clarifies that age doesn’t matter to these aliens because, to them, “it’s about experience and your soul.” As profound and spiritual as that sounds, I’m sure I’ve heard that line used a few times by pedophiles on episodes of Law & Order: SVU.

Parkes claims that he has maintained a sexual relationship with an extraterrestrial he calls the “cat queen.” And they rock the cat box approximately four times a year. He’s even fathered children with the queen.

Going public with these stories was obviously a ballsy move, especially for someone in public office. Surprisingly, the public doesn’t mind all that much, as long as his extraterrestrial trips don’t interfere with his duties. But his wife, on the other hand, is understandably pissed about his intergalactic mistress.

“My wife found out about it and was very unhappy, clearly,” he explained to This Morning. “That caused a few problems.” She got justifiably jealous. But Parkes thinks his affair isn’t cheating because “it’s not on a human level, so I don’t see it as wrong.”

Parkes is an interesting guy. I applaud his willingness to proudly stand by what he asserts is taking place in his life. He is very matter-of-fact when talking about his extraterrestrial encounters. And his stories are detailed and complex. I’ll happily entertain the possibility that this guy’s stories are true. But his nonchalant attitude and justification for cheating on his wife make this guy a douchebag in my book. But, maybe his skewed view is to be expected. He was holographically raped as a child after all . . .

maincat:space opacity:70 strange times wtf

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