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Promises of a Bigfoot-like Dick Are Pretty Shitty

  • Jason McClellan

The Sheregesh ski resort in Russia’s remote Siberia region is selling cans of air. 

That’s right. Air.  

So what’s so special about this air that makes it worthy of being canned and sold? Well, this air is allegedly packed with vitamins, minerals, and other special properties that benefit your immune system, calms your mind, and has a healing effect. 

BORING. 

But it gets better. As UK media outlet Metro reports, this air supposedly gives users “the physical strength and staying power of the Yeti and also make them as big as the legendary creature.” The product basically claims that this air will make you perform like Bigfoot in the bedroom. 

This magical air is supposedly canned from Azasskaya Cave in Siberia—a location of several Yeti sightings. But, even if the air in these cans is actually from a Yeti cave, and if the air holds these claimed magical properties, is it really a good thing to grow (or shrink) to a Bigfoot-sized dick and gain his bedroom skills? I mean, does Bigfoot even have a big dick? And what if this elusive creature’s sex skills are also elusory? 

There are plenty of unverifiable stories out there from people who claim to have seen a male Bigfoot long enough to scope its junk. In the book The Creature: Personal Experiences with Bigfoot, Jan Klement describes a scenario in which a Bigfoot “had arrived at the cabin with this massive erection.” He continues,  “Usually his penis hung limp and after a time it ceased to exist . . . Limp, it seemed to be about an inch in diameter and about six inches long. It looked very human with a red head that occasionally poked out from the foreskin. His testicles were not overly large but they hung to about the same length as the penis.” 

There’s a nice, detailed image for you. 

In 2014, Huffington Post journalist Lee Speigel did a series of articles about “Hank” the Bigfoot who was allegedly shot and killed by Rick Dyer. Hank’s body was put on display, and Dyer attempted to cart his Bigfoot around the country for all (paying suckers) to see. When Speigel saw this alleged corpse, he was understandably caught off guard by the giant creature’s less-than-impressive penis. 

To be fair, Hank turned out to be the creation of serial hoaxer Dyer. It’s unclear as to why Dyer would give Hank such a mild-sized member. Regardless, Hank’s dick isn’t necessarily representative of genuine Bigfoot dicks. And, if the hairy man-ape is even somewhat like human dudes, cock size varies wildly. 

It’s likely that the assumed big dick on Bigfoot is a legend spurred by the belief that foot size is indicative of penis size. But, according to the “first systematic review of penis size measurements,” that’s not the case. The British researchers behind this recent study found no link between penis size and foot size. 

So, there aren’t any guarantees that Bigfoot is packing. But maybe he’s a monster in the sack. After all, he is a major star in the exploding literary genre of monster erotica. 

But, remember that scene from Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy? The one where Brian Fantana puts on his special cologne called “Sex Panther”? The cologne smells awful, and a co-worker painfully shouts, “It smells like Bigfoot’s dick!” 

Alright, if Bigfoot has a smelly dong, that kills it. Nobody wants a rotting cock. 

Many reported encounters with Bigfoot include an unpleasant smell. According to Bigfoot researcher Dr. W. Henner Fahrenbach, “On some occasions, however, the smell has been reported to be unbearable and overpowering, akin to being wrapped in dirty diapers.” Talk about sexy! That’s sure to get a guy laid! 

Who knows if these cans being sold at the ski resort in Siberia really contain air from a Yeti’s cave. But, even if they do, it’s unclear if gaining the dick size and sexual performance of a Bigfoot is a good thing or not. If breathing in this canned air gives me a smaller, or even larger, dick that smells like dirty diapers, I think I’ll pass.