Dick-less Aliens Are Here To Kidnap Us Says Texan Cowboy

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Dick-less Alients are here to torture us.

At the 2015 International UFO Congress, the Guinness World Record holding largest UFO conference in the world, Derrel Sims, self-professed alien hunter, revealed to the crowd his perceptions of the extraterrestrial threat looming over humanity. 

Derrel is hard to miss; he is frequently sporting a long leather trench coat, bolo tie, cowboy hat and boots. He claims a background in the C.I.A. secret operatives, military police force, as well as licenses in hypnotherapy and handwriting analysis. He has served as a pioneer in alien abduction research for over 38 years and alleges to have completed multiple surgeries to extract foreign implants out of alleged abductees.

Alien abduction is one of those topics that people easily dismiss, usually with decent reasons, but there are some cases that manage to bewilder even the most diligently opposed. Those skeptical of the phenomenon refer to sleep paralysis, dreams, false memories, or fantastical delusions. But the experience is very real for those who believe it occurred to them. Hundreds of abduction cases are purported to happen every year and the more interesting of those are the ones in which strange physical traces, such as scoop and needle marks, abnormal bruising, and foreign objects, are present. Sims aims to prove to the world that the thing that goes bump in the night isn’t just your imagination, and it needs to be stopped before its too late and “they” call checkmate.

There are an abundance of opinions about what extraterrestrial life may be like—everything ranging from microbial life, little grey men, to the beautiful Nordics, and evil government ruling reptilian overlords. But those alleged to have experiences are fixated on the images that traumatized and/or pleased them personally (ahem, Google British politician Simon Parkes).

Sims claims he had his first experience in Texas at the age of four in which he recalls an entity appearing in his bedroom at night. He explains, “The arms and legs are long and skinny, the body and neck, thin. The bulbous head, like an upside down teardrop, is cocked slightly to the side. I can see him from head to crotch, and he doesn’t have a ‘tee tee’ or a belly button!” Perhaps it was more common in another generation, but the term “tee tee” isn’t widely used these days. A quick search at over at UrbanDictionary.com revealed numerous entries, but, saving an even more traumatic and x-rated encounter, we can surmise that Derrel was referring to the lack of genitalia on the creature he recalls that night—a little grey Ken doll. He further states that the alien creature projected its appearance as a clown in attempts to make the young Texan forget what he had experienced. Killer Klowns from Outer Space anyone?

Now, let’s say an extraterrestrial life-form is visiting us and abducting people. Why? Sims plainly thinks they’re up to no good. He goes on, “ I don’t think aliens are here to eat people, or BBQ them, or anything like that, I don’t think aliens are here to fix the planet, or the Ozone layer, or anything like that . . . as an investigator, It doesn’t matter to me.” For Sims, the fact that they are allegedly taking people against their will is damning enough.

No matter what your opinion is on this topic, you may agree after seeing him that Sims would be a great candidate to replace Will Smith on 20th Century Fox’s Independence Day 2. Derrel’s tagline? “Now, I hunt them that hunted me and later hunted my son . . . I am known as the ‘Alien Hunter.’” Go get ‘em cowboy.

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