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The Weird Scientist Who Decided to Spend His Life Giving Rats Boners

  • Maureen Elsberry

Don’t worry boys; we know it happens to the best of you from time to time. Whether its health, age-related, or the good old fashion whiskey dick . . . sometimes you just can’t get it up.  Scientists have been on the continuous trail of trying to correct this sometimes mortifying, and certainly inconvenient (for both parties), problem since way back in the day. But a certain scientist in Switzerland has taken what we may refer to as a less than typical approach towards a solution . . . playing with rat dicks. 

Yep, there are literally scientists sitting around giving boners to rats by flipping on a light switch. This study, run by Swiss researcher Martin Fussenegger, aims to discover a way to use Optogenetics and blue-light therapy to make an easy, non sexually-stimulated bone-doggy a piece of cake.

What is optogenetics you might ask? According to Scientific American, “Optogenetics is the combination of genetics and optics to control well-defined events within specific cells of living tissue. It includes the discovery and insertion into cells of genes that confer light responsiveness.” Or for us normal folk, basically gene-therapy that allows us to manipulate functions using light.

The paper, brought to our attention by the fine folks over at Motherboard, was published in the Angewandte Chemie in March with the romanticized title of “A Synthetic Erectile Optogenetic Stimulator Enabling Blue-Light-Inducible Penile Erection.”  There’s a lot of scientific mumbo-jumbo, which leads up to the problem with the wonder drug known as the little blue pill, Viagra. Simply put, not everyone can use prescription erectile dysfunction drugs due to health issues, and sometimes, a boner is just a little more difficult to sustain, or so I’ve heard. 

So we have this Swiss scientist that injects certain types of DNA from bacteria into the corpus cavernosum (basically the penis sponge which holds blood during an erection) of wild rats’ dicks and voila, flip a blue light on that little sucker and bam, instant erection.

This technology has not, at this point, been tested on humans, but that is their goal once they can get past the ethical red tape, at least let’s hope. If their goal was simply to give rats boners, we might have bigger (no pun intended) issues on our hands. 

Before you run out and buy the blue-light (which according to Motherboard is a Philips goLITE BLU) yourself and try and make this happen . . . it ain’t that easy kids. The tricky part is the Optogenetics bit—you have to have some good old neuron magic happen in your cells. Patience dudes, soon enough, you too can have someone stick a needle in your dick.

The bigger question that arises from this study is, what is it about the color blue that makes males of various species so damn horny?